I have been thinking a lot lately about how we as mothers seem to compete against eachother (usually without even realizing it) instead of rallying around eachother. I have a very unique perspective when it comes to motherhood; My oldest daughter is 17 years old - older now than I was when I had her - and my youngest is 3 years old, with a 5 and 7 year old in the middle of them. Not only have I had 17 years of parenting under my belt, I have seen how parenting has changed since the dawn of the internet and how it changes when you go from being a working mom to a stay at home mom. I have had my fair share of playdates and I am pretty sure I can tell you how each woman I know gave birth: epidural, c-section, long labour, big/small baby, etc., etc., because that always seems to come up when a group of pre-school age mothers are sitting around a room!! We also seem to feel the need to compare all of our children to the other kids in the room - she was talking by 9 months, he was walking by 13 months, ate nothing but organic homemade baby food, wore cloth vs disposable, didn't drink juice until 2 years old, doesn't watch any t.v., can speak spanish (not becasue of Dora though, cause there is no t.v. for little Johnny), and the list goes on and on and on. It can be overwhelming trying to keep up with whats the new and best way to parent your child. God forbid you admit to spanking your child, giving them kool-aid in a sippy cup and letting them watch t.v. for two hours so you can watch Dr. Phil and Oprah!! Those who know me well can tell you that I have a pretty laid back attitude to raising kids - my three year old isn't potty trained yet and still has a soother when he feels the need - but I think they will also tell you that I have a very happy home where there isn't a lot of pressure for children to be anything but children and it's okay to make messes, have fun and do what all children are supposed to do - just play!!
I mentioned how the internet has changed the way we parent...you have no idea how much unless you were a parent before the internet! I remember when Natalie was born - 1993 - and I think the internet was actually around, but nobody really new because you were lucky to have a computer in your house let alone in your pocket or purse - heck, the only cell phones then were tucked away in gigantic bags on the floor of a few vehicles. As a mother back in "those days" (I can't imagine being a mother in the '80's!!) we had to rely on the women we actually new in person - not facebook, not on blogs, not anywhere in the world wide web - just our own mohters, friends, community. If we had a question because our child had a fever, we went to the doctor; if we needed to know when to start them on pablum, we asked our mothers (it was about 4 months old back then); if we needed to know what kind of carseat fit best, we went to the health unit...we didn't have thousands of different sites to look on! Since I had Mark (seven year old) I have checked more websites containing information about baby food, carseats, strollers, fevers, immunizations, diaper rash, than I care to even think about! The internet has also had one HUGE effect on us that has changed the way we parent our children...it has created a world where we are so scared of everything and everyone. It seems that no child can go to their neighborhood playground alone or walk to a friends house two blocks away because there might be a stranger ready to snatch them up or hurt them in some way; I don't believe there are any more pediphiles or kidnappers in this world than there were 20 years ago...we just think there are because everytime you boot up your computer there is 24 hour news coverage telling you that some poor child has been hurt or abducted (only thing is, it's the same news over and over and over again)! I still believe our world is safe and our children should grow up with enough independence to make them independent when they grow up and really need to be!!
I know my way of doing things or my beliefs are not everyones cup of tea, but they work well for me and my family. I think if we all accept that we are all different people in the same boat we could become a very powerful group of people - Moms - accepting, not competing!
SJ
P.S. I vow right now not to talk about the birth of my children unless directly asked about it!!
Proof that I am a mother!
I love your blog, Sara. It's great to talk to you in person, but sometimes reading a blog gives you insight into a friend that you wouldn't ever have had.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree about always comparing... I find myself doing it more than I want to admit. Usually, I am comparing my children to each other, and I have to remind myself that they are their own persons! Comparing with friends is tricky, too, especially being a "working mom". It's often difficult to let go of the feeling of not doing enough as a mom because, as someone recently told me, I am letting other people parent my children. I think if we spent more time supporting, encouraging and uplifting other moms, maybe everyone would be a more laid back and easy going mom.
Please keep writing! This is a wonderful blog :)